A guest post by Kyle Ingham of The Distilled Man.
Ladies, this one's just for the guys. But I promise, you'll thank me...
Ladies, this one's just for the guys. But I promise, you'll thank me...
But if you're like the rest of us guys, you might feel like every birthday or special occasion is a mid-term that you always end up cramming for—and usually just barely pass.
Whether you are newly dating or whether you are in a relationship, it's always challenging for guys to find good gifts. The ladies can attest to this.
How many times have you found yourself racking your brain for ideas just 24 hours before some special date? Or desperately running from store to store to find something, ANYTHING, that speaks to you and says, "I am that super-thoughtful gift she's going to love."
Or the worst part: when you end up just "phoning it in"—getting her something safe like jewelry or chocolates, when deep down you know you could probably do better. You know you could find something more personal, more special that shows you really thought about her.
Why is it that finding good gifts is so hard for guys? It's not because we're not thoughtful (at least usually). We're just uneducated in the "gifting arts."
Fortunately, gift-giving is a skill that can be learned and honed like anything else. Here are seven strategies for how you can improve your gift-giving chops:
1. Do Your Homework
When you're getting a gift, remember that it's all about her. It's okay to do some research at stores to find some ideas. But if you really want to be successful, do your homework first. Scientist Louis Pasteur famously said that, "Chance favors the prepared mind." Even if you've been dating awhile, there are probably all kinds of little details about her that you haven't noticed and that might help your gift search.
Make a list of everything you know about her, from the basics to the most obscure: What's her favorite color? What's her favorite flower? Know her birthstone. Know her ring sizes (for ALL her fingers).
What kinds of things does she like to do? Is she really active? Is she a bookworm? Even though some of it may seem obvious, sometimes just going over these little details can inspire you to think of an idea. At the very least, it will better prepare you to recognize a great gift when you're out searching.
2. Pay Attention
Sometimes great ideas will present themselves if you just keep your eyes and ears open. According to The Gift-Giving Handbook for the Inept Man, "Observation is the most important trait a gift giver can possess." If you observe her closely, she's probably giving you loads of potential clues for gifts.
Some women are pretty crafty about this—they knowingly plant seeds about things they want. But even if not, you can still get ideas from observing. Watch her as she points out things in magazines. Watch her when you're shopping together. What is she drawn to? What things does she comment on? "Hmmm…that's kind of cute...."
3. Ask for Help
Of course you can always just ask her for ideas, or do something like check her Amazon Wishlist, if she has one. The only problem is, (a) that's kind of weak, and (b) some of the best gift ideas may not have even occurred to her. Another option is to enlist the help of her friends. Ask them for some ideas---get their perspective.
Or if you want to really do it right, invite one of her friends out shopping with you—have her help pick some things out. It'll end up being a win-win: you can spend the afternoon together, grab lunch and get to know her friend better. You'll get some great ideas you probably wouldn't have thought of yourself. And you'll earn major points.
4. Think of Gift-Giving as a Year-Round Endeavor
Let's face it, most of the important dates in your life aren't a surprise. Birthdays. Valentine's day. Anniversaries. Christmas. They're the same time every year. Yet they always seem to catch us by surprise and we find ourselves cramming at the last minute. It’s ridiculous, when you think about it. There's no reason you can't always be on the lookout for ideas.
Start an on-going list of potential gifts in a notebook or (if you want a more 21st century option) a note-taking app like Evernote. Start a "gift closet" or gift cupboard or drawer, where you can store stuff you come across. Think of it as a savings account for your gifts.
It makes a lot of sense: with a savings account you don't wait until you need money to start putting money in. Ideally, you put money away a little at a time when you can. Then when you need it it's there for you.
Along the same line, there's no reason you can't stockpile greeting cards you like. At first it might seem impersonal to "buy in bulk" ahead of time, but ironically it has the opposite effect. By finding great gifts and cards without an impending deadline, you end up getting more thoughtful items than when you're down to the wire and you just have to grab something.
5. Learn to Edit
Another benefit of thinking of gift-giving as a year-round endeavor is that it gives you the luxury of being able to edit.
There's a great saying, which I'm going to botch, but it goes something like this: one of the main differences between a great photographer and a regular person taking pictures is that a great photographer takes 500 pictures to end up with 1 or 2 amazing photos, while the amateur photographer takes only a handful of pictures and is disappointed with the results.
I'm not saying you need to get 500 gifts to find two good ones. But when you search for gifts earlier and pick up a few things along the way, it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate at the end. Then you can select the "best of the best" to actually give to her. Knowing that you're planning to edit later will also help you cast a wider net initially. That means you'll agonize less over trying to find the absolute perfect thing right from the start. As long as you keep your receipts (or consider re-gifting) you can't lose with this approach.
6. Always Look for Ways to Personalize
Remember that a gift should be all about her---something that shows you thought of her. If it seems like you're getting her the same gift you would have gotten your ex-girlfriend, the card might as well say, "insert name here." That’s why you always have to personalize.
A few years ago I wanted to mount a TV in my wall, so I got help from a friend who was pretty handy, and he helped cut a whole in the wall and run the wires behind it, etc. When it was time to actually mount the TV to the studs, my friend started sawing off part of the metal mount that came with the TV. I was pretty startled. I'll always remember what he said: "Everything's always just a starter kit. You always have to customize." This couldn't be any truer with gifts.
Just because you've found the perfect gift doesn't mean your job is done. Look for a way to make it more personal, even if it's something you've purchased. It goes without saying that if you buy her a book, you MUST inscribe it. Or instead of a regular box of chocolates, get her some monogrammed chocolates. You can can even get personalized M&M's now. These days, with the power of the Internet, you can personalize just about anything for not a lot of extra money. So there's no reason you should be going with a totally "off-the-shelf" approach.
7. Get Creative
Think beyond the usual: maybe she doesn't want more stuff. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The only gift is a portion of thyself." The best gifts aren't always the most expensive ones.
Maybe you could give her an experience that would be special to her—a weekend away for the two of you or the cooking class she wanted to take.
You could make her something. You don't have to be a skilled craftsman or an artiste to make a great gift. In this case, the saying "it's the thought that counts" rings true. You can keep it simple and make something that really touches her.
Write something—a poem or a song. Build something, even if it's just a box for her yoga mat. It might sound cheesy, but you could make her a mix CD or playlist. Maybe she goes to a kickboxing class, and you could make her an "Ass Kicking Mix" for her iPod.
Another fun idea is making a themed "kit.” When my girlfriend (now wife) got laid off a few years ago, we joked about her becoming a "lady of leisure" and enjoying her time off sitting in cafes all day, etc. To commemorate the occasion, I made her a "Lady of Leisure Kit."
It was a collection of things to help her transition from her old job to her new lifestyle: her old business card and a match, a mini-bottle of bourbon and some ginger beer, a gift certificate to Peet's coffee, a gift certificate for a massage, and a journal—so she could record her deepest, innermost thoughts like other people in the cafes.
If you're not feeling the creative bug, you can always delegate. Have something commissioned by a local artist. It doesn't have to be expensive. There are tons of (starving) artists you can find who would be willing to create something—maybe a sculpture or a painting—that would literally be one-of-a-kind.
I know all of this might seem a little daunting. Maybe you feel like you don't have any natural talent when it comes to gift-giving. I have news for you: you're right. You probably aren't naturally talented in this area. Which is exactly why you need to work at it and get better.
Remember, gift-giving is a skill that can be honed like anything else. All it takes is a little effort and the willingness to learn. And if you take the time to improve your gift-giving chops, you will reap the rewards, I promise. You'll get more thoughtful gifts, your significant other will be happier, you'll be less stressed, and ultimately, it will create what Guy Kawasaki calls an "upward spiral."
Originally published on www.TheDistilledMan.com.
Kyle Ingham is the founder of The Distilled Man, a website that features articles on essential skills every guy should know.