How to Start Dating Again After a Breakup

Dating is much like a job.  There is typically some sort of interview process that we must go through before being accepted as a candidate.  Once you've gotten the job, the real fun can begin!  The beginning of a relationship is usually full of fond memories and romantic outings.  Some relationships continue to have these amazing times and continue to blossom, always presenting new twists to spark the relationship.  Others dwindle and die... Sometimes a breakup can be an easy process with two accepting parties while other times it's more difficult and even hostile.  Depending on the person, some people are ready for the breakup and are able to move on rather quickly and cleanly.  On the other hand, some relationships leave a mark and are more difficult to get past.

Dating after being in a relationship can be one of the most difficult things to motivate yourself to do.  I see it as there are two different scenarios.  You're either ready to be free and just have fun or you're unable to let go of the past and just want to seclude yourself and avoid contact with anyone that may be a potential partner.  When people are getting back into the dating scene after a tough breakup, their friends are typically invaluable as pillars of support.  If your friends aren't very supportive of you it makes the process much more difficult and effects your confidence moving forward. 

The best thing to do is to just get out and meet new people.  You don't have to be looking for a relationship, or even someone to flirt with.  It's just good to get out and make new friends and meet new people and it'll help keep your mind off of your ex.  Before you know it you'll have some new friends, new options, and will be happy and moved on.

Arthur G. Bahr

Date Conversation Topics and Tips

Dating can be nerve racking, which is why we at HowAboutADate.com believe in activity based dating to avoid the pressures and awkwardness of traditional dating.  Although you may be doing an activity that you’re both passionate about, there still need to be conversation.  Some conversation may come naturally and flow while other times may have some “awkward” moments.  I’ve provided several topics and tips below to help you spark a good conversation and keep the ball rolling!  It’s important to note though that you should never ask really personal questions or dig around someone’s past relationships on the first or even 2^nd or 3^rd dates.   If someone wants to talk about their past relationships or really personal things they will bring it up themselves.

This article also goes hand in hand with an earlier article I wrote on The Importance of Communication.

Tips:

Keep the conversation moving but don’t pry into anything personal or the past

Don’t vent or get carried away with certain topics

Don’t just wait for your turn to talk, be genuinely interested in the conversation and person

Topics:

Where have you traveled or want to travel?

Do you enjoy your job? What do you do? Would you rather be doing anything else?

Where is your favorite hangout?

What are some of your hobbies or interests?

What type of music do you listen to?

Do you have any siblings? Are you close to your family?

What’s your favorite movie of all time (or one of your favorites) and why?

Do you have a nickname and what’s the story behind it?

These topics are all good for conversation but there are plenty more out there.  It’s good to avoid questions that can have a “yes or no” question as those can easily cool off a conversation.

You can find more tips for communicating and dating in my article Just the Tips of the Iceberg.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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What's Your "Type"?

This is a question that has baffled friends for years.  Everyone has their own type, obsessions, and fantasies.  Trying to figure out your friend’s type can be a big deal.  While I may like certain attributes about women, my friends might like a totally different type.  It's not only important to find out what your friends like, but it would benefit you to figure out what exactly you're attracted to as well!  You may not always agree on who is attractive or not; respect that everyone has different preferences and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.   People tend to look at several different things when they’re attracted to someone; check out these attributes.

Legs – I put legs first because I personally am a hugelegs person.  I melt when I see an athletic woman with tan and toned legs.  Legs are usually a pretty common turn on for guys and most women know it and aren’t afraid to show it!

Eyes – It’s always nice to have good looking eyes, but what’s more important is how you use them.  People with good looking eyes tend to let their eyes do the flirting for them.

Skin – Everyone likes soft skin… Obviously there are lots of different races and lots of different colors of skin but it's important to remember again that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It’s important to keep your skin healthy and moisturized!

Body – Muscles are a huge turn on for women.  I’d guess that close to 80% of women will be attracted to a guy that’s ripped and fit.  Having a toned body can play a role in first impressions, but don’t go overboard.  There are lots of people that work out so much that it consumes them and their body begins to lose its appeal.  There is an especially fine line for women, it’s important to be toned and fit, but men typically aren’t attracted to women who look more muscular than them.

Curves – I know the first thing you think of is that men would notice this more than women but informal studies show that women look at men’s butts quite often as well!  It’s always nice to have curves and some people are more attracted to curvy women than others.  Whether you have curves or not, confidence will always improve one’s attributes.

Smile – Everyone likes a good smile!  It’s important to show a friendly attitude.  You’ll be much more attractive if you smile and lots of people fall for a friendly face.

Personality – Your personality is the most important attribute you have!  It may not come into play until your looks have someone’s attention but that doesn’t change the fact that people with out-going personalities are much more attractive and likeable than quiet and reserved people. Shy or not, being comfortable with yourself is always attractive.

Style – Your style refers to clothing and overall appearance.  Some people are just attracted to people who know how to dress.  If you see a women with a dazzling dress on or a man in a tux, it’s likely that you’ll be more attracted to them than if they were in street clothes, regardless of their looks. 
You don’t have to spend much to dress well. Guys, here’s a link for you to dress well on a budget: http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201004/gq-guide-style-secrets-cheap-budgetand ladies, here’s one for you: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8cIhZRpzY0‎

Everyone has their type and their own “goggles” on that allow for them to see different attributes in people.  This is exactly why some friendships don’t work out and some parents can’t understand what their kids see in their crush.  It’s important to note what types of people your friends are interested in to better understand their motives and to better you chances of helping each other out in a dating environment.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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The Art of Sexting

Since we've become so reliant and dependent on mobile devices, which allow us to text and avoid personal interactions, sexting has grown to become one of the largest ways of modern day flirting.  "Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages and/or photographs, primarily between mobile phones or devices." -Wikipedia

Ultimately, sexting is the next evolution to phone sex.  While there isn't the same verbal interaction, people are able to turn each other on from anywhere and use their imagination to fulfill their sexual desires.

There are two main forms of sexting, one is text and the other is via pictures.  It's important to note also that if you're going to be sending pictures of yourself to someone you should either have an extremely trusting relationship or try to leave your head, or any recognizable things, out of the photo.

Teenagers have begun sexting which has caused a large amount of commotion over pictures being leaked and other information.  Phone apps such as "Snapchat", which allows you to take a picture that will be erased up to 8 seconds after the person opens it, has allowed for teenagers to exchange all sorts of photos and messages without any backlash.  It's important to sext responsibly!

Sexting is a great way to spice up a relationship or let someone know you're interested in them.  The goal of sexting is typically to encourage a future sexual interaction with the receiver.  It has helped maintain a sexual desire in busy relationships and is encouraged between couples.

The trick to sexting is to tease; you want to add in sexual intentions without being to forward or up front.  It's important to turn the person on and not creep them out.  I suggest adding some creative humor to compliment the sexual comments.  Be descriptive but don't include too much detail, let the person's imagination have a little fun.

Sexting can be sensual, romantic, and descriptive.  A good sext will hit on several of these areas.  Some people even use the "**hugs**" kind of approach and will sext something like **wrap my arms around you and kiss you slowly** in which the ** ** indicate an imaginary action that the two of you are participating in. 

Some good sexting examples can be found at http://sextingexamples.org/.  There are several examples of different approaches in the comments.

Now that you understand the background and basics it's time to test it out!

Happy sexting,

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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Wingmen & Wingwomen

"A wingman (alt. wing-man) is one person who assists another in social interactions by providing psychological support, often linked by a close friendship. The word is mostly used to describe the role one person had in facilitating another's success with women during the course of any public gathering (bars, gyms, streets)." - WikiHow

Assess the situation - It's important to analyze the situation, find out if the girls/guys are with someone or if they're alone.  See if your friend is really going to need help with introductions or if they will be able to handle it on their own.  Different venues and scenarios can lead to different conversations, it's important to recognize what topics and approach will be appropriate.

Introduction or conversation starter - Now that you've analyzed the situation it's time to break the ice.  Starting the conversation off correctly is a big deal; first impressions are very important and you have to remember that it is your friend that you're trying to make look good!  Use good and interesting topics to get the guys/girls talking and try to relate their interests or hobbies back to something similar about your friend.  Try to avoid talking about you and redirect things towards your friend.

Talk your friend up - The situation has been assessed and the conversation has begun.  Now it's time to use good and interesting topics to get the girls/guys more comfortable about talking.  Try to relate their interests or hobbies back to something similar about your friend.  Try to avoid talking about you and redirect things towards your friend.  Try to stagger the conversation a little; don't redirect every little thing they say back to your friend.

Give them some alone time - If they have a friend with them now would be the time to move them and yourself out of the conversation.  Try to be subtle so that the girl/guy that your friend is interested in doesn't feel uncomfortable.  Typically women have a signal of sorts that indicates if they want their friends to stay around or not during these situations.  If you haven't been entertaining the friend throughout the conversation they may stick around and be selfish.  

It's important to not steal the show when leading the conversations but don't turn anyone off either.  You want to seem normal compared to your amazing friend. 

Here is a video that I found that shows some good and bad wingman scenarios. 

Now that you have some knowledge in being a successful wingman or wingwoman it's time to build some experience.  My final advice is to analyze why failed attempts happen.  You will have some awkward moments and some let downs, the trick is being able to figure out what went wrong (and if it even had anything to do with you!) and correcting the problem in the future.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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Frienemies Revealed

We all have them.  They’re everywhere and they look just like you and me.  We share our deepest darkest secrets with them, introduce them to our parents, include them in our plans, and even buy them gifts.  I’m referring to Frienemies.  A Frienemyis someone who pretends to be your friend when in reality, they're your enemy.  They’ve successfully worked their way into your inner circle of friends with one goal in mind, to create problems for you.  Frienemies are found more often in female relationships than male relationships, but this doesn’t mean men Frienemiesdon’t exist!  Per my experience, I’ve found that most men Frienemies sprout from rivalries or competitive scenarios.  Women Frienemies tend to be more mischievous, selfish, ruthless, and have less conscious repercussions.  Frienemies can be found in the social world as well as the corporate world and are most often driven by jealousy.

Some Frienemies do us harm without even realizing it.  It could simply be the symptoms of insecurity or jealousy. The first step to solving your Frienemy problems is learning how to spot them.  Here are some simple ways for you to recognize if you have Frienemies!  Frienemies tend to continuously bring you down.  If you’ve accomplished something impressive, they’ll look for negativity.  An example could be if you just aced a final in your first class of the day and instead of congratulating you, they remind you that you have another final that you didn't study for coming up.  These are negative comments that keep you from building confidence and can be hard to spot.  Negativity should always be avoided.  It’s better to think positively and learn to pick out the positives from situations rather than focus on the negatives.

Another noticeable tendency in Frienemies is their availability.  Frienemies tend to always ask for your attention or support when they are in a tough situation but will always be busy or unavailable whenever you need them.  Many people are oblivious to these situations and are constantly being taken advantage of.

Make yourself available to your friends, sometimes this means making sacrifices.  Make sure your friends are willing to make time for you too.  True friends are there for each other when they’re needed.

Some people feel uncomfortable when with specific friends.  If your gut is telling you that there is something shady about your friend, there usually is.  Don’t spend time around people who are a bad influence on you.  Frienemies try to convince you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing or may even try to persuade you to do something that results in trouble.  This could include providing poor advice and selfish decisions. 

Everyone has that one Frienemywho continuously puts embarrassing things on Facebook or other social media sites. These people will take pictures of you at an event and purposely look for the most embarrassing picture of you and best picture of them and post it for everyone to see.  This is one of the most obvious ways to spot a Frienemy.  It’s not that tough to figure out which pictures are appropriate and which aren’t.  Furthermore, they’ll bring up past times that were unpleasant for you.  This could involve resurfacing pictures or stories from an old Vegas trip that highlight some regretful decisions.

In conclusion, most Frienemies lack respect for you and tend to have cruel intentions.  It’s important to be able to spot your Frienemies and expose them for what they really are.  If you don’t think you have any Frienemies you better look back at these signs and make sure you aren’t the Frienemy.  The best way to deal with a Frienemy is to confront them.  Most of the time they will deny these signs or they’ll say you’re too sensitive or emotional and try to throw everything back on you.  Keep your intentions pure and remain loyal to your friends.  I hope this article has helped you spot your Frienemiesand prevent future problems!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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Do what you love... and love will find you